Morning darklings,
Some days I go to write, and I can’t. It’s not that I can’t, as in my fingers won’t work or that I’ve got writer’s block or have nothing to say. And I’m not talking about days when I’m so tired I can’t lift my arms or days when my brain is mush and I forget to use nouns.
No, some days, my brain is just bothersome, irritating, a thesaurus worth of words for annoying and frustrating.
What about those recipes you wanted to transcribe? That should happen now, probably.
Didn’t someone question your ability to do this yesterday, imply that you weren’t good enough, or make you feel small? Remember that?
What about the load of laundry you haven’t started? If you don’t do it now, it’ll never get done.
Aren’t you tired and ready to take a break from this? You could use another five-year sabbatical.
Do you want to push through when no one reads your things? No. This is a waste of your time.
I’ve had a lot of those days lately.
Though, I think one is more than enough—probably too many, really.
Maybe it’s the heat. Maybe it’s the feeling in my body that I should run somewhere but I can’t—restlessness with a side of exacerbation. Maybe it’s a deep sadness attached to a complicated situation with a stray cat. Maybe it’s depression or my low-grade bipolar (cyclothymia). Maybe it’s about the fact that life isn’t turning out the way I’d planned. Maybe I want to move far away. Or maybe ADHD is just kicking my ass.
Could be a combination of all the things.
During the pandemic, I realized I have combination hair—one side is wavy curls like Curly Sue, the other side makes Shirley Temple ringlets. And recently, I discovered I have combination skin thanks to a breakout that just won’t quit.
So maybe I have combination brain too. Surely that’s a real thing.
Most of the time I can problem solve this inability to write problem. Get up, walk around, try again. Step outside, get a refill on a tea, try again. Move to a new location, watch a show, skip the day, try again tomorrow. Any or a combination of those often do the trick. I’m back on track and wondering what got me so distracted or emotional.
There are other times when nothing works.
I had one of those a few days ago. I got up. I walked around. I had my tea and another tea. I had a blendie filled with fresh fruit and honey and cream. I had crackers with gobs of sour cream. I walked around some more. I got so frustrated at the very existence of myself that I couldn’t talk or else I’d be a monster to someone, everyone, the world. I sat in a different chair. I laid down and stared at the ceiling. I made fresh apple juice. I watched TV. I played a game. I went to sleep. I woke up—still frustrated, still mad, still sad.
The world is unfair was my first thought. I’m not happy was my second. My third was I don’t want to do anything, yet all I want is to do something.
I didn’t bother trying again. I just allowed myself to be miserable. I got angry and wrote about it and deleted that and got mad I wasted perfectly quiet time to write about being mad.
So I went back to glaring holes in the wall and thinking. It felt more productive than anything else I could do. I had a stern talk with my brain.
Please don’t be mean to me.
It’s okay to move from one task to the other. We can come back. It’s not all or nothing.
Remember that panic attack you had last week? You don’t want another one. Just breath.
You may not hold empathy for yourself. Do you give it all to others? Is there none left for you? Do we need to talk about this in therapy?
Right now is hard and it sucks, and I’m not okay. But that happens. It happens more than you want, sure. But what has your therapist said time and time again? “Give yourself grace.”
You’ve built so many systems to deal with this, worked so hard not to fall off the path of wellness. Don’t let this derail you.
I accept the words. Not always the first time I think them. Sometimes the second or third or eighth. But I think them like a mantra. I have a “lying brain reminder” on my phone—a note with affirmations about it being okay to take a break, about still being talented if I fall apart, about grace and kindness. One reminds me to think about what I’d say if I friend was having this problem.
That one sobers me every time. It’s why my brain forgets it until last, I think.
That whole process may take five minutes or three weeks—so much can happen in the span of minutes if you’ve got an unwell mind.
But eventually, the clouds part and my thoughts quiet. My fingers and brain and heart align, and I can start creating, start writing again. Beyond that, I feel lighter, find the ability to smile and laugh again.
The time that’s passed since the first moment my brain questioned everything becomes a blip on the radar, time wasted that I can make up for if I take advantage of the stable days. There are more of those than the wobbly ones, after all.
Safeguarding my time, holding some empathy back for me, giving myself energy rather than handing it to everyone else—those are things I’m bad at. I know I’ll spin out often until I get a grip on those. It’s often the hardest things to manage that are the most important, isn’t it?
I’m currently existing.
I’ve started editing the stories for Art Born Words—the art book with Steve Graziani’s etchings and stories from 17 authors. Honestly, I’m already blown away at the variety. Dark crip fic, moody fantasy, surrealism, sci-fi, short stories, flash fiction, poetry! And I still have 20 or so stories to get back. Thrilled to see this project come together.
I went clothes shopping for the first time in ages. TWICE. I went to some vintage stores with a friend, but I only found a skirt. It’s hard to shop in places like that for sizes like mine, unless you’re looking for dresses and costumes. Then, I braved the mall. It wasn’t even on purpose, it was to avoid a massive standstill on the highway. But suddenly, I’m in stores that have my size, buying shorts and tank tops, a dress that’s so soft I want to sleep in it, plain tees to get me through summer. I ended up using most of my birthday present money to outfit my wardrobe with the basics. I’ll find cute pieces that define my style in the coming months with the remainder of my birthday money (and maybe some wiggle room on my credit card), but for now, I have clothes that fit!
Passing this kickstarter for another anthology along. I know the person putting it together, and I’m thinking of submitting to it! Whether or not I end up in it, you should go support The Thing, cause authors and artists are awesome and broke.
After a lot of hemming and hawing, I realized I need to cancel on some people in July and August. I’ve just overbooked. Feeling better, knowing I’m getting my nutritional needs, got me in the mental headspace of being okay. The fact is, I’m still foggy, I’m still disinterested in things, I still have a short attention span, I still tire easily. So I need to focus on better self-care. And here’s the official reminder to check yourself too: you need self-care and love. Make sure you’re giving that to yourself. It’s so easy to let that slide as we’re all doing laundry or meeting with friends to chat about life or working or cooking or even watching TV.
And you? How are you existing this week?
Until next time, harness the Little darknesses and embrace the Little things.