*Spontaneous morning photo added with a small blurb not in the audio version
Morning darklings,
A newsletter out of time today because I’m turning thirty-something. Okay, no. I’m turning 36. I’m not one of those people that has trouble with ages, but I’m desperately worried someone will take my age, count backwards, use my birthdate, and steal my identity. Then I remember that I have no money and am on Disability, which makes it less enjoyable and also harder.
So, yeah, I’m 36 in one hour and 6 minutes from the moment this posts, if memory serves. I mean, I could claim the whole day, but it wouldn’t be true. 36 years ago, my poor mother was in labor with a chubby little me who was already blessed with a full head of hair.
On birthdays, I don’t get too existential. I feel a lot of feelings that are mixed up in what society says I should feel on my birthday and how I actually view growing older. I don’t think about death or what I’ve learned as person. It’s possible that’s because I sit with those thoughts regularly. Illnesses—both physical and mental—make sure to remind us of our mortality, what we’ve accomplished, what we’ve yet to do, how far we’ve come, how far we’ve got to go, how easily we can slip away, how strong we are.
On birthdays, I have fun and do special things. In fact, I try to make the whole month mine. When I was younger, I sought out or hosted elaborate parties on shoestring budgets (a specialty of mine) and either bought or made tiaras for as many occasions as I could during the entire month of June.
I often mentally claimed things as part of my birthday that were unrelated, some I didn’t even mention my birthday but, I was so lost in June. Looking back, I think it was less about just celebrating as much as spending every moment I could fully enjoying life.
I’m not one for parties anymore. I can’t go out to dinner or eat cake. Plays and concerts and movies hurt my body, because vibrations can shake my bones and leave me undone. I can’t go dancing, and I don’t drink.
I miss being surrounded by sweaty bodies, thumping music, candy-like liquor, colored light shows, frosting, strangers’ laughter, three course meals, fancy dresses. That doesn’t mean I should stop living.
Enjoying my life is more important to me than ever. Luckily, for everything I miss or have lost, I have something I love and appreciate, though they may not be as exciting or adventurous.
In the few birthdays since I started to slow down, I wandered through lavender gardens and went home to make treats for friends. I made fancy teas with decorations like on Pinterest. I strolled hand-in-hand with the hubs along a waterfront before we went to some antique stores I’d never been to. I went on a chocolate making tour and rode in a hot air balloon (magical but painful). I met Chef Gregory Gourdet before he made me the most perfect steak. I slept. I watched TV I loved. I did nothing. I drove around town to photograph bridges. I visited museums. Those happened in drips and drabs, over the last 6 or 7 years. A far cry from previous low-key years of shopping, lunch out, a movie, dinner out, drinks, then a party or just dance bar—all in one day.
But I’m still living.
This year, I have been able to do very few things. My health has consumed my time. So June hasn’t been mine so much as my body’s. I’ve found things I can do, that bring me joy, and that’s all I truly wanted for my birthday.
And a tiara. It’s been a long while since I’ve had a good tiara.
Most people share lists of lessons or nuggets of wisdom they’ve learned so far in life that are worth sharing.
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36 things.
I can’t imagine. I’ve learned nothing and everything. In 13,140 days, I’ve laughed and cried and wanted to break the world apart and pour the molten lava on anyone, everyone, myself. In 13,140 days, I’ve created and explored and enjoyed everything I could manage—and some things I couldn’t. I’ve taught and learned and shared.
In 13,140 days, I’ve existed.
So here’s One Thing To Rule Them All: never stop living. Don’t let anything stop you from finding something worth waking up in the morning.
Because I try to practice what I preach, today, I plan to do something worth waking up for, plan to live the best birthday I can—in my new tiara.
presents
In case you are moved to get me a gift, how about a paid subscription that’s currently 36% off (until the end of June)?
Maybe you want to try my fiction out? You can buy it on Amazon or here on my website where I get more money and we don’t feed the beast.
Perhaps just follow the Kickstarter for my current project Art Born Words?
Oooh, oooh, hearting my newsletters and commenting on them is also really wonderful!
Or you know, just think about me sometime today. My necklace clasp will hit the cat head charm I wear everyday with my boys’ fur in it, and I’ll know someone out there cares.
this very morning (thus missing from the audio version)
Say hello to 36. About an hour ago, I woke up and stepped outside, as I do many mornings. I was driven to take a photo. At first, all I saw were the imperfections. I wanted to take a second or third photo, maybe fifteen. Perhaps blur the red marks or go back in and fix the frizz. This is my first photo as a new age. But that’s why I didn’t. I’m 36 and this is what I look like. I hate that some days, am okay with it on others, but I’m working to accept and love it all the time.
I’m currently existing.
I’ve made a bunch of new blendies recently. They are really delicious—so good I’ll still make them even if I can eat solid foods again one day. That leads me to an exciting thing that’s happening: I’m making a cookbook! I’ve wanted to make one for years, but, despite photographing the results of my traditional recipes, it just hasn’t been in the card. But these blendies are different. Many of them are fully my own, created from what’s in my fridge or cabinet (i.e. things people usually have on hand) or what’s fresh right now. Others are twists and tweaks on other recipes so I can eat them with all of my issues. They even look good too. I don’t expect to finish it for another 8—12 months, wanting to make sure I have enough quality recipes that are easy to replicate and such, but it’s a fun addition to my other projects.
I just finished Polly Pocket’s last season. A delightful romp I highly suggest if you’re in need of something fun and silly.
My current fiction project—a whole project!—just featured a box arriving on a porch, but there is no severed head in it??
Somehow I’ve planned almost the entire month of July and into August already. What a world.
And you? How are you existing this week?
Until next time, harness the Little darknesses and embrace the Little things.
Happiest of birthdays to you, Buffy! Amazing how you manage to thrive even when it’s tough to just survive 🏳️🌈🍭☀️
HBD, Gemini season is almost over, enjoy Gemini sis! ♊️💜